a breakthrough for my Vishuddi chakra
...where ~willow~ explores an a-ha moment experienced last night, arising from the cleansing action of a Havan *and* the socializing with the [non-Borg] collective.
So last night was my first ever real collective meditation with the Chicago Collective.
I finally attended, despite it taking time away from the hubby, because it wasn't "just" meditation planned, but what they called a Havan, which focuses on cleansing the left channel of our subtle system, utilizing the fire element.
It was certainly interesting to observe more of the rituals associated with this group. I'm still not 100% buying in, I probably need to actually meet, or at least see Sri Mataji live before all my barriers get torn down. Right now it's an interesting situation where the logic&rational part of me is telling the emotion/intuitive part of me that nowhere else am I going to find the message that I have been seeking for and have found here in Sahaja Yoga. The message? That God is not the property of institutionalized religions; that we are all part of God, the Divine, and that we have a connection to the Divine within us: tap into that, activate it, connect to it, and all else will fall into place.
What holds me back are many of the customs and rituals that are practiced are essentially Hindu, or what I associate as Hindu. And they are essentially worshiping Sri Mataji. I can accept her as a powerful reborn realised soul or catalyst of some sort,,, but I can't *quite* bring myself to call her God, or Divine: didn't Mohammad state that he was the last of the messengers we humans were going to get?
Heh.
Anyways.
About last night's a-ha moment.
So, did the whole ceremony, gave my two-cents' worth during the discussion afterward on how to not "scare seekers away on their first exposure to SY", then chatted with a few of the people I know better/have met a few times / am comfortable with. Hugged a few people before making my way back to the car. I mulled over my choice of who I did or didn't hug as I drove back, and speculated whether I should ask them all to make it a point to greet/hug me next time, to force me to bring down my social barriers: if I don't feel safe with them, even the men, then I'm not in a good place, am I?
Ever since I started with SY, my main problem area has been my Vishuddi chakra, the one at the base of the throat. It is usually associated with "communication", and if it's blocked/problematic it's usually as a result of Guilt. "Guilt" didn't quite sit right with me: I couldn't deny the tinglies and vibrations I'd feel indicating problems with the Vishuddi, but Guilt? I thought I had already set aside [rationalised?] most of my Guilt and other destructive emotions I'd kept internalized and alowed to wreak havoc on my psyche. So, during my meditation sessions, I'd work on my left side in general, sometimes focussing on the Vishuddi itself, but never quite understanding the cause of the blockage.
So, as I was driving, I started thinking about the Vishuddi, and that it wasn't just the center of communication; it was also that of integration, of collectivity. Of belonging. Of sharing. Of giving of yourself to others.
My attitude towards socialization / socializing has been badly skewed through the years: I remember that during kindergarten I was an energetic and friendly young girl, who made friends with many people. Yet by the time I was in primary school, I had become painfully shy.
I still made friends, though, although I think I only started "deep" friendships around Standard 6.
Enter Form 1, and I had this major crush on one of my seniors: she tolerated me, which made me "fall" even harder, and I finally was totally rejected by the object of my affection. I was crushed. But I was also in a phase of getting major crushes on just about every cute singer / actor out there. I also looked forward to the Girl Guides Campfire Gatherings because that was the only time I'd get to meet boys! Not that I was allowed to have boyfriends anyway, but hey, the thrill of meeting boys! And I'd get their attention despite being chubby because, well, I was of mixed parentage and therefore looked different than the rest. I was giddy with the high of actually being a point of interest, and enjoyed how these interactions made me feel.
Yet all throughout my adolescence, I had this growing gnawing feeling of something missing. Didn't realize what it was until I went to the U.S. for my studies. There, I freed myself from shackles I didn't even know were binding me, and found myself throwing myself into relationships, almost greedily sucking up all physical contact that I could, even if it was to the detriment of my power and mental health.
By the end of my 5th year, I had kinda stabilized, and was hugging friends whether or not I was dating them, y'know? :-) But then I had to return "home" to work. So, there I was, someone who'd discovered that she needed, no, CRAVED, physical contact with people she trusted in order to replenish her dry and arid soul: and I was stationed in a very conservative corner of my homecountry, where women were expected to wear headscarves, and absolutely no physical contact between the sexes were allowed: heck, even shaking hands was frowned upon!
I felt so out of place, so alone. Sure, I made friends with fellow [male] outcasts, but there was no way any interaction could happen other than chatting over coffee or karaoke. And even then, we raised eyebrows.
Something inside of me, something that had been able to grow and bloom, had to be restricted. And it withered. And died. Along with other parts of me that had been surviving before.
By the time I got back to "civilization" the damage had been done. I just couldn't interact with men anymore; I also could no longer just BE MYSELF.
It didn't help that by that time I was in a same-sex relationship, and therefore had to keep a huge part of my life private from others.
The next relationship saw me and him stay together with another unmarried couple, renting a place on the outskirts of town, even though officially I was staying with my parents. So THAT was another secret to keep from everyone.
Then, I broke up with him just to throw myself at a bad boy who ended up using and discarding me within the span of a month. That did nothing good for my mental well-being, and provided more things to just keep bottled up inside.
Then, the romance with my now-hubby, kept secret from everyone because I just didn't want anyone loose tongues flapping.
And in parallel to the personal life, the work life was getting rocky too: I poured my heart and soul into a project I truly believed in, only to slowly realize nothing was ever going to come out of it, and the only way for me to not go mad was to just. withdraw. from it all. I stopped caring, and let anger, bitterness and resentment spew forth, further alienating me from others.
And let's not forget the family angle, where the relationship between my parents and me is just. there. Nothing emotional to attach me to them. They are my parents. That's it. No attachment to my dad's side of the family. Some to my mother's side, but they are a quarter-way around the world, and the distance has certainly reduced the connection I'd enjoyed when younger.
And now, recently, I signed up for a language class more to force myself out and socialize more than for the language itself. And I've connected with one or two people from there. But omg, I wonder if anyone can even begin to understand how scary and difficult it is for me to have a non-homework-related conversation with these potential friends, how my heart pounds and self-confidence shrinks when attempting to just have a friendly chat? Then I start wondering if they notice that I'm being all twitchy and stressed, and I wonder what they are thinking, and I wonder if I'm scaring them off.
No man is an island? But i *am* an island! Over the years, for so many reasons, I have withdrawn into myself so much, that I have great difficulty developing connections with others.
Connecting with others... as in ... belonging? or sharing? or giving of myself to others?
That jives.
So, if THAT doesn't help explain a major part of my Vishuddi blockage, I don't know what does.
I'll certainly keep this epiphany in mind as I go about my business next week.
~~~
Thank you for reading.
~ ~ ~
3 comments:
As I'm a sahaja yogi, big brother Google alerts me when he finds 'sahaja' on the net. So, from Belgium, I enjoyed the way words sounds in your pen.
Wish you good luck with Chicago collective and good luck with you!
Bernard
I too was alerted to your post by big brother Google.
As a Sahaj Yogi of two-and-half-decades, I liked your honesty. We all have to be convinced of the divine nature of Sahaja Yoga, so good luck with your meditation and introspection!
John
Bernard & John: oh wow, never occurred to me that Sahaja Yogis would find this post, that is so cool :-) thanx for dropping by, and for your encouragement!