mother-heavy
Why the recent mother-heavy posts lately?
Well, recently, my parents turned into grandparents. There were things my sister-in-law let slip in e-mails or IMs about my parents' behaviour, especially my mother's, relating to their new granddaughter, that set off this amazing roar of anger, resentment, and yes, a touch of jealousy, boiling inside me.
You see, my mother seems to be totally in love with the kid, can't bear to let her out of her arms, and so misses the kid now that my niece is back with her parents in Europe that she has already visited my brother and family once since their return to Europe, and already plans on going back again early next year.
I know, a grandkid is totally different from your own kid. All that baggage that my mother had relating to my brother and myself, it's all not there with the little one. So she's "free" to lavish unconditional love unto the young one, something that she didn't do with us.
And that is what brings out that surge of anger, resentment with a touch of jealousy.
Again: I know, a grandchild is totally different from one's own child.
But still...
And no, I am NOT happy with myself for the swirling emotions I get when I am reminded of my mother's total obvious love for her granddaughter. I should be above that... but I'm not. Not yet. The silver lining to this is, I am not totally caught up by the emotions: I am often able to just be an observer, just watching the emotions swirl within me. I am not their slave.
Unfortunately, I am not their master either.
I am thankful that I am halfway across the world from my parents, physically. I need to work this out of me totally before I see them again. I don't want to spoil it for them. I don't want to come across as someone jealous, resentful, of her parents' joy of having a granddaughter. And I certainly do not want to precipitate a confrontation about the niece/own child disparity with them.
It's not something worth pursuing, not with them.
I need to come to terms with it myself.
It's all internal.
It's all about forgiving them.
Forgiving myself.
Letting go.
And being happy for them, that they can actually unlock their hearts, melt their hearts, open their hearts at all; that they are actually capable of expressing love at all!
~sigh~
5 comments:
Maybe she just finally grew up enough herself?
Alot of people aren't really cut out to be parents, and it isn't until their own children are grown that they know how to act. I had that happen with my mom.
I wish you all the best.
I understand these feelings of resentment and anger. I'm still working through my own parental issues (and my mother was the focus for a number of years, letting good old Dad off easily. Mothers are the focus of a lot of wrath, I find.)
Therapy helped. I only got to the point of even thinking about what forgiveness would mean within the last year or so and it was a pretty organic thing.
By the way, I like your writing, too, but always can find something to say about dysfunctional families!
:)
I think that age may play a big part. I had children at a fairly young age (23 and 27), and now, at 43, I know that if I were to have another (not likely!) that I would be a much more patient and accepting parent who knew more about what's important and what's not.
My parents were the same way when it comes to me and my children. I guess when you are free from having to "raise" them - teach them manners, etc. - you can really pile on the affection!
But don't be afraid to feel the way you do! Feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are. And the way you feel is perfectly valid.
Angel> Thank you for weighing in. In a way, yes she's grown up, or, as I described elsewhere on this blog, she "decided that family is the most important thing", you know, at age 60+ ... better late than never?
Jennifer> Thank you for sharing. In my case, my father has escaped a lot of my wrath simply because he wasn't there much. I'm working on forgiveness via meditation and affirmations. In general it works, but sometimes, when I get ambushed by a huge wave of resentment, I need to start over..
Mary> Thank you for your kind words! Yes, I do know that my mother felt she wasn't ready to have children. So that insecurity probably mutated into a "cover" of sharp words and anger. Plus all the other hang-ups in her life... it's sad, really.
Hi - I'm sorry I haven't had the chance to comment lately. . . I have been reading though and you know how much I like what you write.
Your write about your mother in a very direct way. When I read these postings there seems to be almost no distance between what I read and the emotions that you're writing about. This is not an easy thing to have experienced for you of course but it's also not easy to write about well. . . and you do. Very, very well.
I don't have advice. I am reading a book though. . . it's fiction. . . called Good-Bye and Amen that I am enjoying. I am not sure how it ends so I don't want to recommend it yet but it's told from the point of view of three children whose parents were not really what any of the children wanted or needed. It's insightful in that way that fiction often is . . . in that loops that stay open and torture us in life are usually closed, sometimes satisfyingly, in fiction.
You used the word 'baggage' in the fourth paragraph and it stands out for me. We bring literal baggage to Europe and emotional baggage back home with us. Sometimes we have to do something literal with the emotional baggage in order to get rid of it. It's not really all internal.
Keep writing and thank you for sharing what you write.
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