[F]F & 3WW: Sheila and Carl on a boat
[Fiction] Friday Challenge for April 3rd, 2009:
A married couple sets out on a six-month adventure, living on their boat while sailing from port city to port city. By the fifth city, they are thoroughly sick of each other and their relationship takes a serious turn for the worse.
3WW #CXXXI
CrushKnack
Varied
"You really have a knack for doing things wrong, don't you?" accused Sheila as she hunkered down in the all-too-small cabin, nursing her already rapidly bruising left forearm, her face pulled so long it was a miracle the downward-pointing corners of her mouth weren't dangling past her chin. It was all Carl could do to just look on helplessly. He was so out of his element. There was no denying it any longer. The past five days were a testament to just how much he DIDN'T like being at sea.
His stomach had yet to keep anything down longer than ten minutes, and the jests about bad food or cooking had gone down so well the first day he knew he might be thrown overboard if he ever brought that up again. He still had land legs, and kept tumbling this way and that with the slightest lurch of the boat. He had certainly not meant to crush Sheila's arm against the cabin wall, but the sea was rather choppy, and after all, wasn't she supposed to be on deck, keeping a lookout?
"Let's go back." Carl's ears pricked up. He looked back at Sheila, who was watching him expectantly, fearfully, hopefully. "Neither of us knew just how difficult, just how bad this was going to be." Carl nodded, expression neutral. Sheila continued: "Maybe we should have listened to the folk at the marina. I really thought a 6 month voyage would be a piece of cake..." her voice tapered off as she gazed forlornly at Carl, while her right arm still cradled the left. He noticed the silver-white gleam of the wedding band on her finger. He smiled, fingering the matching braided band on his hand.
"You do recall, I tried to dissuade you from this, but you insisted? You do recall, you went and bought the boat and arranged this itinerary behind my back, using money that wasn't yours but mine?" Carl's gentle tone was in total contrast with the rising anger boiling within. Oblivious to the danger, Sheila turned defensive. "I only used the money that you stole when you closed out our joint account last year! It was as much mine as it was yours!"
There was a moment of stillness as the words hung in the air between them, as their gazes locked: hers moving from defiant to fearful, his from shock to fury. In the next instant, Carl let out a loud roar, moving rapidly towards Sheila with fists clenched, ready to mete out the only punishment he knew for such insolence, when suddenly the fists opened and arms windmilled as Carl desperately sought to regain his balance lost from yet another lurch of the boat.
Sheila looked on disbelievingly as Carl fell in slow motion before her eyes, one of his hands gently slapping her foot as his head hit the sharp corner of the stowable table Carl had never bothered to stow away.
She might have prayed to a multitude of deities, but the prayer Sheila muttered for the next five minutes varied not one bit: "Let this be the end, oh please, let this be the end. Let me be finally free!"
Sliding slowly off the bunk onto the floor, Sheila extended a trembling hand to Carl's neck and rested it there for a minute.
Was he, or wasn't he?
Oh!
11 comments:
Oh!
This is a good beginning for a story that could certainly be expanded. Something to think about. It's interesting, it has the conflict of the couple, and you are a good writer. So, the bones are there. Take a shot =)
Oh my! What a way to end it...I love how it is the man that is having trouble dealing with being on the boat. :) I agree that this could be expanded and be quite good.
Let's make it a hat trick: vote number three for expanding this story.
I for one would love to read what happens next and I'll be looking back on that link to the previous story featuring the couple.
You've got the bones of something potentially great here.
Hey Willow.
Well what a humdinger of thinly veiled accusation. I loved the little bits of characterisation - the stowed table that had not been stowed, the bad cooking, the arguments over money and who stole what.
As fourth - I stick my hand up for more. I'd like to see what turns up with this story if you were to do the Stephen King cut 10% out. There are a lot of adverbs and adjectives that could go and still keep the essence of the story - and would even move it along at a faster pace.
My late entry (ha! I see a pattern emerging here) is Light Years
I think it's a good twist that it's the guy with the sea sickness. Maybe try showing some of your things rather than saying them with adjectives. It's much harder and I've yet to master it (or grip it even) but it makes for a huge change in writing.
Thanks!
Wicked little twist at the end. Like that you had the man being sea-sick, too. Good characters, the suspense built. I like what you did here.
Nice tension, with a good cliffhanger at the end. Good job.
hello... hapi blogging... have a nice day! just visiting here....
I rather like it as it is, as a short.
I can't wait for the continuation of the story. What happens next? I will be back for more. All the best.
Jeesh...I never expected that to happen.
My partner and I have purchased an American Tug...for the purpose of a few very long trips. This story made me laugh as so many people reacted quickly in saying..." How are you going to manage together in such small space for any real length of time.
Well we both respect each others need for quiet and space and we also have taken this exact point into serious consideration and have several emergency antidotes if and when we do get that I need air feeling.
WE have not as yet taken a longer trip than 4 days...our next one is going to be the real McCoy..3 months :)
It should prove to be very interesting and cathartic in many ways :)
great story!
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